girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
