Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
