The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
