Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
They are going to name an STD after you.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
