If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
