The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize