can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize