The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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