before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
