his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I could make wine with my vomit
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
