I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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