my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
