How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize