Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So much rum. So many feels.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
