These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
