My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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