Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
