well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
