yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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