just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
