Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Randomize
