WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
