He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
