Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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