Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize