Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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