Don't you send me to vm
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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