In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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