the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
