Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
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