Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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