What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
