Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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