I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Im part way to drunk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
