come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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