We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
