dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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