i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
