My cat gives me a boner
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
