i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
