we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
