respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize