is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
