1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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