wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize