apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
