last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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