I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
