this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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