I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
