The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
