I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
