Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
