I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
