maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
