mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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