I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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