My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
