Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
