38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
