PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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