Kiss
Puke
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
