I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
