She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
