4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
