I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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