all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
