So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
