i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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